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Santa's Christmas Crash/transcript
Santa Claus: Faster! Faster! Romuald the Reindeer: We're losing altitude. Are you asleep or what? Santa Claus: Don't talk about it. Do something. Pull! Romuald, Joe, pull, my beauties! Hup! Hup! Hup! Romuald the Reindeer: '''Christmas is the busiest time of the year for reindeer. I'm always telling Santa, "I've only got one pair of antlers, you know". '''Santa Claus: '''Ah! It's freezing! Brrr! It's days like this that make me glad I can stay home and put my feet up. '''Romuald the Reindeer: '''Close the door! Now look, you're messing up my clean floor! '''Santa Claus: '''Ah-choo! '''Romuald the Reindeer: '''Now you've gone and caught a cold. Great. You ought to know better than to go out at your age. '''Santa Claus: '''Come now, Romuald, you don't seriously think I can stop from checking the weather, do you, especially on Christmas Eve. (sniffing) Mmm, what's that you're cooking up? '''Romuald the Reindeer: '''You just wait and see, you old greedy. '''Weatherman: '''And now, the weather forecast. Tonight we can expect huge snowstorms and freezing temperatures made worse by a strong, icy wind. '''Romuald the Reindeer: If only Santa had read his skyway code, he'd had known it was dangerous to doze off while driving his sleigh. You're daydreaming! Wake up, you sleepyhead! Santa Claus: Oh, uh, uh...where am I? Romuald the Reindeer: We're losing altitude. Are you asleep or what? Santa Claus: Altitude? Ohh! Perishing polar bears! The sleigh! Aah! Pull for your lives, Romuald, Joe! Oh, the humanities. Hup! Hup! Hup! Romuald the Reindeer: When Joe and I hit the cold front, we went into a deep depression. Santa Claus: Pull! Pull! Look out! Romuald the Reindeer: Aah! Santa Claus: '''Aah! Aah! Aah! (crash) '''Romuald the Reindeer: Blecch! Not too smart, falling asleep at the wheel. Santa Claus: (groans) Not really. I only dozed off for a bit. Romuald the Reindeer: You can't handle it anymore. Santa Claus: '''If you'd only pull when I tell you to, you silly camel. '''Little African Boy: (boy giggling) That, a camel. Have you ever seen a camel with trees on his head? I bet you haven't. Santa Claus: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Trees on his head. Yes! Ha ha ha! That's a good one. Ha ha ha! Romuald the Reindeer: Go on, laugh, and then tell me how you're gonna take off again from this desert. Santa Claus: Desert? (groans) What time is it? Ohh. Son, point me in the direction of the nearest telephone booth. Little African Boy: To make a call it's that way. Two days walk. Santa Claus: What? Now you listen to me, young man. I've no time for games. I have presents to deliver in America, you know, and I've only got a couple of hours. Little African Boy: You've got them with you? Santa Claus: But of course. It's Christmas, my child. And let me tell you, I've never missed a delivery in thousand years. Little African Boy: What is Christmas? Romuald the Reindeer: Christmas? Well, presents, parties, you know. Santa Claus: It's stockings hanging around the fireplace. Little African Boy: What's a fireplace? Santa Claus: It's where we light fires, my child. Everyone knows that, to keep your warm when it's very cold. And all the boys and girls who have been good throughout the year leave their stockings and their boots by the fireplace. Romuald the Reindeer: '''(blowing) And Santa. '''Santa Claus: '''Yours truly. '''Romuald the Reindeer: ...Climbs down the chimney to put presents in them. Little African Boy: You burn the good children's presents in the fire? Hmmph! That's not nice. Santa Claus: You got it all wrong. No. Romuald the Reindeer: No. No one lights fires on Christmas Eve. Little African Boy: I see. It's too hot there to light a fire at Christmas. Santa Claus: No, no, quite the opposite. Romuald the Reindeer: But no one lights fires. Little African Boy: That's a bit silly. Santa Claus: Listen, sonny, I've got better things to do than chat with a silly boy, and so, goodbye. Romuald the Reindeer: '''Goodbye! '''Little African Boy: Funny couple of guys...but they won't get very far like that. Santa Claus: Whew! What a job! I should've retired a long time ago. Romuald the Reindeer: Unbelievable. Falling asleep at the wheel. Santa Claus: You don't have to go on about it all evening. It's done now. Romuald the Reindeer: Terrific. Now we're lost. Santa Claus: Whew! The heat. He did say that way, didn't he? Both: Aah! Santa Claus: Ohh! My poor back. I'm too old for this. Whew! I should've given this up a long time ago. It really is too much. I shouldn't have been so hasty with that young boy. I could've asked him for help. Little African Boy: Don't worry about it. We don't mind. So these children, the ones in America, they're all expecting you? Santa Claus: They certainly are. And they'll be very upset if I don't get there. Julie: Turn it off, Tommy. Mommy says Santa Claus won't come unless you're asleep. Tommy: There is no Santa Claus, silly billy. He's just made up. Julie: That's not true! Where do all the presents come from, then? Tommy: Well, I've never seen him, and I won't believe it till I do. Now leave me alone! Julie: Okay. All we have to do is go to the attic and look through the skylight. Then you'll be able to see him coming. Tommy: You won't see anything. He doesn't even exist. He's a scientific impossibility. Julie: All right, don't if you're too scared to be in the attic at night. I didn't know my brother was a scaredy cat. Tommy: Have you got a flashlight? Julie: Yes! Thank you, Tommy! Tommy: Hey, calm down! Santa Claus: With my sleigh, I go from house to house until I've delivered all the presents the children have asked for for Christmas. Ooh! Goodness gracious, it's hot. Romuald the Reindeer: It's essential that no one gets left out. African Teenage Girl: Why don't we ever get anything? Santa Claus: Ooh. Well, uh, let's see, now. That's another matter. Omar: Another matter? Yeah, sure. Our parents are poor and can't afford anything. Little African Boy: Omar, quiet! Santa Claus: No, that isn't the reason at all. Let's see, how shall I put it? You see, I'm in charge of America, and you here, you're outside my territory. I don't know who's supposed to be delivering to you. African Teenage Girl: No one comes to our house. Little African Boy: That's enough. It's very rude to complain to a guest. Omar: Us desert children are never in anybody's territory for anything, and that's the truth. Just as well. We don't believe in Santa Claus. Little African Boy: Don't listen to him. We really don't need presents here. Just because we don't get anything doesn't mean we're gonna let those other kids cry on their special day. What can we do to help you? Santa Claus: You really want to help? Do you mean it? Little African Boy: Just tell us how. Santa Claus: Right, well, um...hee hee hee! You are kind of young...but no matter. Above all, I need two things--one--we need to able to take off again, and how are we going to be able to do that with these two in the state they're in? Romuald the Reindeer: I'm okay, I'm fine, but the kid here--these young kids can't handle the shock. A migraine or a bit of sun, and they're out of it. Santa Claus: Hmm. I need more toys, don't I, to replace the presents that were lost or damaged in the accident. But where on earth am I going to find toys out here in the desert? Oh, those poor children. Oh! This is absolutely pointless. Ohh! And it's so unbearably hot. Little African Boy: Yes, that's the way it looks. But then again, there must be something we can do. Give me a minute. There must be a way out of this. Santa Claus: What's he doing? Romuald the Reindeer: It's called thinking. Santa Claus: Ahh. Little African Boy: Got it! Both: Yes? Little African Boy: Oh, no. Romuald the Reindeer: Oh. (footsteps) (creaking) Julie: He has a sleigh full of toys, pulled by two enormous white reindeer who fly through the sky. He land on roofs and climbs down the chimney. Tommy: It's not logical. A sleigh can't fly, you know. It's one big lie. Julie: Of course it slides. (clatter) Tommy: Huh? Julie: It slides in the sky, on the Milky Way, okay? Come on! We should see him arrive from here. Tommy: If he ever comes. Santa Claus: Well, if this thinking thing's going to take any longer than we-- Little African Boy: One--the toys, no problem. We'll make some, so that's okay. Two--I'm thinking of someone who can pull your sleigh instead of your two goats here. Romuald the Reindeer: Goats? A goat?! Me--me, a goat? Little African Boy: Come on, everyone. Santa Claus: Where are you going? Hey, wait for us! Whew! This heat is really more than an old guy can take, you know. I can't go on. I'll stay here. Romuald the Reindeer: Me, a goat. It's an insult. If he hadn't dozed off, we wouldn't be in this mess. Little African Boy: What are you doing? Romuald the Reindeer: His Slumberness is too hot! You don't hear me complaining, and I've been called a goat. Little African Boy: Your clothes, they're too heavy for the desert. Here. Santa Claus: And what on earth do you expect me to do with this nightgown? Little African Boy: They're desert robes. They're cool and light. Go on. You'll feel a lot better in those. Romuald the Reindeer: Get undressed and put those robes on. Santa Claus: You want me to undress? Me? Out here? In front of everyone? At my age? Romuald the Reindeer: There's no one around. You're fussing about nothing. Do it, or you're going to be ill. Little African Boy: Go on. We won't look. Santa Claus: All the same. It's not dignified. Romuald the Reindeer: Are you ready yet? Santa Claus: Don't turn around! I'm not just yet! Little African Boy: You know, underneath all those whiskers, your friend's quite funny. Romuald the Reindeer: He's not my friend. He's Santa Claus. (children laughing) Both: (laughter) Julie: I tell you, I saw him on TV. He's got a long white beard and a cap, and he was dressed in all red white fur and big leather boots. Santa Claus: And my sleigh, uh, do you think that, uh-- Little African Boy: It's over there. It's coming along. See for yourself. Santa Claus: I don't think I can believe my eyes. Little African Boy: It's great, isn't it? And now let's see how the toys are shaping up. Julie: I've asked Santa for a baby doll and a racing car. What about you? Tommy: (yawns) A synthesizer. Julie: Tommy, it's a bit silly to be asking someone who doesn't even exist to bring you a present. It's just not possible, is it? Little African Boy: A doll made of palm leaves, a woven basket, a green lizard, a truck made of iron wire, a sheepskin water bottle, a shell necklace, a xylophone made from camel bones, and a flying carpet. Everyone's done something. (children laughing) Santa Claus: A nice wedding dress for a doll, a selection of authentic fossils, a dried out scorpion, a desert rose--ahh! A goatskin drum, a puppet with leather strings. And what have we here? Little African Boy: It's great, and it comes with a flute, too. (playing song) Santa Claus: Oh, dear, no. I can't give that. Little African Boy: Don't worry. The children will love it. It'll be all right. Santa Claus: The children, perhaps, but I have my doubts about the parents. Tommy: Oh, it's freezing. You see anything? Julie: Not yet. Tommy: He doesn't like to hurry, does he? Julie: Don't worry, he'll come. I know he will. I know. He'll come. He'll come. Santa Claus: No, no, no. I couldn't possibly take off with that. What would people think? Romuald the Reindeer: It's true. With that lump on his back, he does kind of look weird. Little African Boy: Don't you think you'll be able to make him fly? Is he too heavy for your magic? Santa Claus: No. That's not the problem. You see, I can make anything fly, even a bus. Romuald the Reindeer: Yes, but later, up there...in the sky, will that overgrown beanpole be able to gallop all night through the wind and snow? Momo the Camel: Try eight days in the desert without a drink. Could a mere goat handle that? Romuald the Reindeer: That is an insult. Momo the Camel: Oh, yeah? Little African Boy: Come on, now stop it! While you're busy arguing, those children are-- Momo the Camel: And what you said about my back is an insult. Little African Boy: Stop it, you two! Momo the Camel: You think you're so special because you've got trees growing out of your head. Little African Boy: Ughhh! (bell chiming) (bells ringing) Romuald the Reindeer: Santa gave Momo some of his magic four-star lichen. It's the fuel that makes us reindeer fly. Okay, for takeoff, Momo, you wait for the old man to say "Hup", then you start on the right foot and step on the gas. It's essential that you clear that hump over there. If you touch it, even with just one hoof, we're finished. Momo the Camel: Don't worry, I know all about humps. I'm a dromedary camel, aren't I? (laughs) Both: (laughing) Santa Claus: Prepare for takeoff. Momo! Romuald the Reindeer: Wait a second. What's the plan? Santa Claus: To get out of here fast. I've only got 20 minutes left. Romuald the Reindeer: Yes, but the kids, how will you thank them? Santa Claus: Uh...thank the children, then, and you take care of Joe. Romuald, I want you both as fit as fiddles by the time I get back. Right. Let's go! Hup! Romuald the Reindeer: That's it, Momo! Hit the gas! Go for it! (children ululating) Santa Claus: Hup! Hup! (children ululating) Romuald the Reindeer: See you again soon, boss. Don't forget to come back for us! Don't be too hard on him. He's old and very tired. He's been working for thousand years. He'd really like to retire, but with only one day's work a year, even in a thousand years he hasn't put in enough time to get a pension. Santa Claus: Hup! That's it, Momo! Fly! Full steam ahead! All the way! Ha ha ha! Well done, Momo! You're doing well. Momo the Camel: This job's okay. You work one day a year, and the rest of the year you rest. That's neat. What's this? Is it water? Santa Claus: Cursed rain. That's all we need. Hyah! Hup, Momo! Hup! Momo the Camel: Ah, it's rain. It's not what I imagined. Santa Claus: Hup! To the right, Momo! We'll try and go around the storm. Look out! There's a mountain! Romuald the Reindeer: It was something we should've told Momo. Never shelter under a cloud in a thunderstorm. Julie: What if he doesn't come? Santa Claus: Wake up, Momo! Come on! Snap out of it! Momo the Camel: This doesn't seem right. The sleigh, oh, no! Santa Claus! Aah! Santa Claus: (gurgling) Momo! Momo! Careful! Faster, Momo! Faster! Hup! Hup! Julie: It's nearly morning. Tommy: (yawns) Julie: He won't come now. Tommy: Never mind. Julie: (crying) There is no Santa Claus after all. He doesn't exist. Tommy: It doesn't matter, you big silly. Don't cry. Maybe he had a problem on the way. He's just been held up. Don't give up on him. I'm sure he'll come next year. (bells ringing) Julie: Ah! Tommy! Tommy, it's him! He's here! Tommy: What are you talking about? Julie: It's him. He's here! Look! The sleigh, the reindeer, the red suit with white fur--oh. Tommy: Where'd he come from with all that weird stuff? Julie: The reindeer, he's got no antlers. Tommy: He's got a hump on his back. Santa Claus: Now then, let's see...Julie, she's asked for a model doll and a racing car. So, there we are. And Tommy, a synthesizer. Tommy: What's that? Santa Claus: This camel bone xylophone is the nearest I can get to that, I think. Tommy: That isn't what I asked for. Santa Claus: Huh? Momo the Camel: You said it. The American kids are no different from the desert children. Romuald the Reindeer: It's good training to get in shape for the sleigh again. Little African Boy: He's been away a very long time. Do you really think he's coming back? Romuald the Reindeer: And why wouldn't he? Omar: He's so selfish. He's bound to leave you two here and keep Momo. Two goats and one camel--that's a good deal. Romuald the Reindeer: You take that back right now. African Teenage Girl: Look, everyone! Momo the Camel: Houses--houses--higher than sand dunes. Chimneys as tall as trees. The rain, you should've seen it. The rain was something else, as if the sky had turned into a lake. And the American children, they're not a bit different than you guys. They're just like you. Romuald the Reindeer: So, no problems with the trip then? Santa Claus: No, no, it was fine. Romuald the Reindeer: And Momo? Santa Claus: Oh, he was great! Yes, he was really terrific. Romuald the Reindeer: Then, uh, you didn't miss us? Santa Claus: No, no. Not at all. (chuckles) Should we have? Romuald the Reindeer: And did you remember to bring something back to thank the children? Santa Claus: Do you think we had nothing better to do, really? Huh? Momo--ha ha ha! Right, Momo? Nothing better to do than worry about the children who don't believe in Santa Claus? Both: (laughing) Julie: Hello. Santa Claus told us what you did for us, so we got together with all of our friends from home so that you can have all the presents as well to thank you for your kindness. (children gasping) Little African Boy: Hee hee hee! Omar: Wow! Can you pass me the video game. Teenage African Boy: Come on, let me try. Omar: This is great. Little African Boy #2: Oh, let me have a try. Teenage African Boy: Awesome. Tommy: This is fun. Romuald the Reindeer: If the children are gonna start making and giving each other presents, pretty soon you'll be out of a job. We'll have to retire and about time. Santa Claus: What? Retire? Well, you can if you want to, if you're tired of it all, but, me, I like my job, thank you. Can you just imagine the two of us sitting around a fire with nothing to do, and then what? Being Santa Claus is the best job in the whole wide world. Romuald the Reindeer: Yeah! Yippee! Category:Incomplete transcripts Category:Family Home Entertainment transcripts